Ecclesiastes 3

I don't know why I wrote about my stupid dress last week.  The need to write something - anything- came over me and so that's what I did.  I wrote about a dress and bunchy pantyhose and confessed how unladylike I am. In doing so I looked at my list of posts and saw this.  It's old.  I read through it a few times, let it marinate, then read it again. I tweaked it a bit and let it sit a bit longer.  It's not long or wise or particularly thoughtful. Just honest.


Wow, September 7.  It's been 5 months since I last wrote here.

And believe me, I've felt it.  Every wordless day, I've felt it.

So many thoughts and feelings needing to come out and still I can't find the words.  Some of them make me feel naked, some of them make me look bad, some of them tear scabs off old wounds, some of them are just blah-blah-I-did-laundry-blah-blah boring.

I've felt really lost for a long time.  Important people exited my life and in so many ways it's felt like processing deep, raw grieving deaths but repeatedly over and over because no one actually died. It just goes on and on.  Sometimes I feel angry, sometimes I feel hopeful, sometimes I feel so much sadness.  Sometimes I am able to go for weeks feeling really good, feeling like I'm moving forward and then a reminder pops up and I almost can't bear the loss all over again.  Then there are days like I had over the weekend where it feels like a giant truck smacked me down then flipped a u-turn and repeatedly did it over and over again.  And then one more time for good measure.

I'm trying to heal, I'm trying to lean on God, I'm waiting and listening and learning from what He wants to teach me from these experiences.  I'm seeing things differently, understanding my purpose in this season of life through new eyes.  God answers me in the most tangible, clear, nearly audible ways and I am humbled and amazed by His mercies. So it's not all for nothing, this loss and sadness, but it hurts in the healing nonetheless.

What I find so interesting is the timing in coming across this once-archived writing.  Another year has passed and while I feel further ahead in my growth and the process of grief, there are still times when these very emotions come up fresh and raw all over again and I scratch my head and think, "Really? We're back to this again?"  And so I begin the process again-  the confession of my anger, the recognition of my selfishness and pride, the release of my perceived control over the process.  I learn, I become a little stronger, I see events and situations in a way that I might not have before.  The plunging fall isn't quite as deep, or it might not last as long, and it's not the setback it used to be.  But I wonder if it ever stops hurting, really hurting.

A few weeks ago I went to a women's event at my church.  They showed a short film clip of various women of different ages and stages reading phrases from Ecclesiastes 3.  It was beautiful and exactly what my heart needed to be reminded of.  These experiences of hurt and healing are part of life.  There is a time for each.  I just have to trust in the Lord to help me MOVE through them, not become stuck in one place.

Ecclesiastes 3

New International Version (NIV)

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.