Expectations and Forgiveness

Disclaimer: Real feelings are being shared. The airing of sensitive material is about to take place. Proceed with caution and sensitivity. There is a person behind the keyboard. [taking a deep breath and clicking "publish"] Thanks.

Growing up with a parent in a leadership position tends to place you under many watchful, often scrutinizing eyes. Growing up, my life revolved around our church where my dad was a minister there, not THE minister but one of them. Later he was both a professor and administrator at the college we attended. This automatically placed my mom, sister, and me in positions of being analyzed and judged whether we were well behaved or not. We were expected to exhibit all good, moral, ladylike qualities without exception, to be involved in many areas, or have natural talents that we didn't necessarily possess. After all, who should be most perfect in all areas of life than a minister and his family? The problem was that I was a normal girl like everyone else. I had friends who gossiped, I liked boys, I passed notes in church, and I did "sit in the back of the bus" from time to time. (Sorry, Mom, it's true) My parent's expectations were clear, their discipline consistent and quick. I knew my role, I knew the consequences, I knew what was expected of me. They were, I feel, pretty realistic and I was a parent pleaser.

I learned from a very early age that no matter where I went (in regards to church) people knew who I was and they were watching me. Sometimes they were probably just being an extra set of eyes for my parents and they genuinely cared about me. And many times it was to judge me, to wait in anticipation for the minister's kid to slip up. I loved my parents, I was and am proud of my dad who I was ultimately representing as an extension, and I wanted to do well by them and so I mastered the art of rapidly discerning the expectations of those around me and acting accordingly. I don't consider this "being a fake" but it was often times "faking it". Doing what I had to do to get through a difficult situation or difficult people, to perform in such a way that I appeared cooperative and accomodating, and to rock the boat as little as possible, if at all. This ability has served me well through the years because I know how to keep my real feelings and emotions to myself and get through what I need to get through with a smile on my face.

Why do I not consider this being a fake person? Because it doesn't involve acting like someone I am not. I work very hard in trying situations to find likeable things about a person or the activities in the situation that I will enjoy and I try to let the stuff that gets under my skin or hurts me roll off for the time being. I can and will deal with my emotions later. You won't find me snubbing others or being unkind. I personally don't like being the recipient of snap judgements and I try hard not to make them myself. Rather, I mind my p's and q's, am careful what I say and do, and then move on.

I'm not able to do this in ALL situations and I've found that as an adult this tactic has become increasingly more difficult. People and things that have hurt me don't just move to new schools, go other directions, or break up with me. They tend to stick around for me to face on a regular basis. I've learned that it's a defense mechanism for a very short term fix. I'm also not saying that this has been healthy although I DO feel that it is important to not wear one's emotions on one's sleeve thus punishing innocent people around you for things and issues they know nothing about. For example: you fought with your husband before going to a party and you spend the whole evening taking it out on those around you by pouting, acting sour, and generally being rude. I think I've always thought that by separating how I really feel from what's actually going on that I've been doing the right thing. Maybe sometimes, but in the longterm situations I'm figuring out that it has only compounded the problem for myself. I've allowed intimidation, deep hurt, and frustration to pile up as if they don't matter.

This brings me to the subject of forgiveness or letting go. In a very loose, round about way.

Those situations and people who stick around-- regular and vivid reminders of hurt, rejection, and the inevitable future hurt-- it keeps getting harder to maintain the facade of "I'm OK, you're OK, it's all good" when after awhile I feel just plain beat down, rejected, and tired. Tired of trying. Tired of knowing that the situation will never change regardless of how hard I try to change, or how well I wear my "game face" to hide my real feelings- instead appearing to not have any feelings or that I'm oblivious to what's really going on around me. My mental game of "get through it until you can get home" is breaking down when the truth is that I feel it so to my very core that each encounter feels like a strong blow to the head.

I have to move on, I have to forgive and release whether my feelings or perceived wrongdoings are acknowledged. My faith requires this, my mental health requires this, my Savior requires this. But oh it is a jagged pill to swallow.

How do you handle difficult situations that don't go away? Running is not an option. Being unkind is not an option. And in many cases "airing things out" is not possible or has not been productive.

Please also know that in no way do I blame church people or "the church" or my parents for the coping mechanisms I developed in life. I think any person who grows up in any sort of spotlight as a result of the things their parents do or don't do, or who lives in their own spotlight, heaven help us all, develops some of these issues.

Talk to me.