Keeping Score

I'm talking to the mirror on this today.

Last week I was watching a newish show on TLC called "Surviving Motherhood". When it first aired I watched all of fifteen minutes of it and decided that I wouldn't watch it again because it was so freaking annoying. These five random mothers get together at a coffee shop and talk about their problems with motherhood and raising children while their kids crawl all over them and cry because they hate being at the coffee shop while their moms talk. For a week each episode features the story of one of the moms in that week's group. The other moms give her feedback, and an expert chimes in from time to time to validate the mother's problems while giving suggestions from a professional standpoint. Being the perfect mom who has it all together, the problems many of these women share seem so duh! to me (spoken tongue-in-cheek). It's pretty easy to have all the solutions when you're on the outside looking in.

For some reason I got sucked in the other day. The story was about this mom of three girls, the oldest was about three or four and the other two were twins who were around seven or eight months old. Her problems was that she was obsessed with having the perfect house and the perfect outer appearances. Her house was immaculate and as she shared her daily routine that begins at 4:00am I just about choked on my Twinkie. She vacuums the entire house every day, cleans the bathroom twice per day, and has a very strict, rigid routine of household duties that she adheres to like a ship's captain. Getting thrown off her schedule can shatter her day. She does not ask her husband for help. Ever. She explained that since she's at home all day she has no excuse for the house to ever be less than perfect. She loves the praise and admiration she gets from others when they see her house and the three small kids and say, "Wow, three kids and everything looks so perfect all the time!" She lives in utter fear that one day someone will drop by and find that it's not all perfect. The problem? She has not a single minute for herself during the day and very little time with her children. You can imagine the advice she received-- she needed to reprioritize and let some things go. Her response to their suggestions was recognition that she simply could not do it all, but initially she was still not able to admit that she would let go of a single daily task. What was she to do??

"It's not rocket science, lady" I judgementally thought to myself. I rolled my eyes, changed the channel, and opened another Twinkie. My bathroom was still not cleaned and I should have been unloading and reloading the dishwasher. There were two sewing projects strewn out over the entire kitchen table. I had no plans for what to make for dinner. If someone had stopped by they would have seen an explosion of Little People and cracker crumbs all over the living room floor. Did I care? Mmm, not so much. I knew I'd get to it at some point. No one would die of malaria if I didn't get the bathroom cleaned before 5:00 that day.

Maybe I'm lazy and lack self-discipline. Maybe I should care more. Maybe I could use the excuse that I'm pregnant. That I was tired. That it was hot out. But those excuses wouldn't be the truth. The truth is that keeping a house of perfection is not my first priority. Messes just don't bother me that much. I say that I admire people who are more organized and better at keeping to a disciplined schedule and I sometimes wish I was more like that. But really, it just kind of bugs me. I just don't have that passionate drive for shiny faucets and PineSol scented rooms. It's easier to label this lady (or anyone else with this priority) a "clean freak" and belittle her prioritizing as if having a messy house is a sign that I'm putting my kids first in a noble, self-sacrificing way. Why do I feel compelled to be annoyed and judge her just because cleanliness does not personally rule my day? A bit of a waste of my time and energy don't you think?

The other day someone made a comment to me that they wished they had more time to do something that they see me able to do anytime I want to. I told them that I really don't have time to do that activity anytime I want, I just let other things slide to allow myself that freedom. Being irritable and over-sensitive I initially felt frustrated by this comment and the implication that I don't have as many important things in my life as they do theirs which keeps them from doing this activity. The difference, I felt, is that I make time because it's something I really want to do. I felt indignant that I should feel bad for even two seconds about my choice. The way I received the comment was not at all the way it was expressed or the intent of the person who said it and I've since let it go. But the comment coupled with the lady on "Surviving Motherhood" has got me thinking. Why do we make our own choices and then complain? Why do we feel irritated or scornful when others make choices that are not what we would make and then belittle them for it? Why does it even matter??

I hear people question or complain about the status of their finances or the finances of others. Working and stay-at-home moms make judgements about one another's choices. People who have small families make rude statements about people who "have too many kids". Women who choose to have large families for religious reasons look down upon those who take family planning into their own hands. There are issues like breast feeders versus non-breast feeders, spanking or not spanking, let the baby cry it out or co-sleep, debates about whether or not to own a television, or how we spend our time. The list could go on for pages and pages. The point is that we all make our choices based on what we want, think, feel, and out of habit- whether good or bad. Why must we judge others who make different choices? Is it really worth the trouble and stress we bring on ourselves?

Rather than scorning or belittling others for their choices might it be better to just remind ourselves why we do the things we do and release others do their thing too? Rather than thinking that mother is a crazy 409 wielding fanatic I need to just let her be. To stop mentally scoffing at her when I walk by my own sink that has toothpaste smeared in it. To stop feeling a twinge of guilt that I didn't get out my own 409 and take twelve seconds to clean it right then. Let it goooooooooooo.

Fill in the blanks for yourself, I know that from time to time I definitely see myself in some of these scenarios:

Maybe you need to stop feeling annoyed that the "Jones's" just got a new boat and remember that if you didn't have student loans, credit card debt, a budget, or any desire to own a boat at all that you could have one too. Just because it is not your value, doesn't mean that it's bad for the Jones's. And maybe, just maybe, the information that you don't have is that they received an inheritance, or have saved money for years and paid cash for it, or that owning a boat is part of their plan for spending more family time together. That in truth, it's not your concern at all. Perhaps it's the Jones's new house, nice car, their children who are in private school/public school/daycare, the vacations they take, or the way they always seem to wear the nicest, most expensive clothes and never twice that drives you crazy. Could it be that you should look more closely at your own values and priorities and the status of your own personal contentment?

At the end of the day the Jones's, Smith's, Johnsons, and everyone else will answer for their own decisions and priorities. We should probably busy ourselves with our own choices and not complain about the outcome we create. I do get tired of the mess in my house sometimes, but it's my own choice that I took a nap in the afternoon instead of cleaning it. Maybe I could afford private school for my child if I sold my brand new Hummer. (No, I don't own a Hummer, it's an example) Maybe I could have a bigger house if I went back to work full time. I bet we could vacation in Mexico at the end of the year if I didn't shop at Gymboree every payday. (Again, example)

I know that I feel annoyed by the lady on TV who cleans her house all day because I personally feel convicted that I could keep my house a little better if I made it a top priority every single day. She's not a freak wielding 409, she's just convinced that in her own life she's being the best mom she can be by providing a clean, orderly environment for her family. Nevermind that she's bone tired and wants to spend more time playing with her kids. It makes no sense to me but does it really have to? It's not my life. Her choices are not my responsibility or any reflection on me. Perhaps if her choice bothers me so much I should examine myself and what is truly under the negative response I am feeling. And then let it go.